Actually when I say "I turn my feelings off", you can’t really do that you know, like ever. 

You just turn those feelings into something else. 

In my case, anger.

I turn the feelings and the pain that I can’t handle into anger. 

Against myself…

Either I deserve it or not. 


Because self hatred is easier for me to live with than having to deal with the pain I get from the outside world and its people. 

I’m used to it. 

Even though it hurts me.

Even though I hurt myself because of this extremely stupid coping strategy. 

It brings me some kind of peace. 

Because everything is on me instead of on someone or something else. 


This way I can only blame myself. 


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