Actually when I say "I turn my feelings off", you can’t really do that you know, like ever.
You just turn those feelings into something else.
In my case, anger.
I turn the feelings and the pain that I can’t handle into anger.
Against myself…
Either I deserve it or not.
Because self hatred is easier for me to live with than having to deal with the pain I get from the outside world and its people.
I’m used to it.
Even though it hurts me.
Even though I hurt myself because of this extremely stupid coping strategy.
It brings me some kind of peace.
Because everything is on me instead of on someone or something else.
This way I can only blame myself.
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