Rambling rants - you put yourself in this position. you knew. you’ve always known. never let you feelings get the best of you. it’ll end up being the death of your last remaining pieces of humanity.
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You know that loosing you is worst imaginable thing in the world for me.
So using that against me.
It’s not even manipulation at its finest.
It’s sick.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
But you can’t seem to pursue me with what I want, what I need, what I as a human actually deserve to have.
And you won’t let me find it in someone else either without threatening to leave,
when you know that you are one of those very few people in this world that I can’t, won’t, and NEVER want to live without.
I can’t lose you
Without losing myself
But if you refuse to give me what I need.
And you won’t let me find it in someone else,
without threatening me like that.
You’re not just breaking my heart.
You’re literally crushing my whole being.
Making me some kind of slave.
That never gets to chose if I want or not,
to love, to be loved, to feel at home in- and with someone, having a place, a safe space, with someone I love and who loves me back, someone, somewhere, I can feel what I’ve been looking for my whole life…
Love.
A real home.
The feeling of being safe and at peace.
The things my father took from me already as a newborn.
The only things I’ve ever wanted, dreamt about, without telling anyone, ever, because feelings….
They always end up hurting you.
More than anything else…
So better not show them.
Ever.
Again.
Pressing them down in the big jar again.
Put the lid back on.
And hope it won’t explode again.
