Even if things may seem better in my acting and mood, I'm still pushing people away. Everyone. And I don't know how to stop. I guess I'm scared of letting people in to my life, doesn't matter if it's the old fellas or someone new.
I guess the "sick me" is still in there, stronger than what I am, keeping me from company, love to see me being alone. But I hate it. 'Cause with loneliness, also comes the strong urge to "go back" to the old, sick behaviour and I guess that's why "the sick me" is still keeping me from seeing people. You'r better off alone!
Maybe I am. Maybe I am better off alone. Maybe I'm born to live alone?
No way, I refuse to believe that's even an option.
As fast as I have found back to myself a little bit more, (finding yourself takes a lifetime, no matter if people say they've found themselves at 20 yrs, it's a lie. You can't find yourself just because you start doing yoga or believe in Buddha or go vegan... True, sad shit!) and feel more free from my ed and "borderline symptoms" I'm seriously gonna create a kind of new life. A new me.
It's still gonna remind of the old me. Still gonna be my outside and inside. But stronger, so damn much stronger than what I've ever been.
I'm gonna find the people in my life who's worth fighting for, people who don't give up on their closest friend just because she happens to have an eating disorder taking over her life and trying to kill her. I'm gonna find those people who would die for me as much as I could die for them. 'Cause all my life I've always been loving the wrong persons, the persons that never deserved my love or affection.
The ones who just hurted me, and never cared a second about it.
I'm gonna come back. I'm never gonna give up.
I'm the lonely but strongest soldier in this war, alone on the battlefield, ready to give it all I've got, even if I die trying, I'm never gonna stop. 'Cause even if I should die, I know it's going to be worth it.