By saying "I wanna mess up" I mean I feel like it’s my decision. I feel like I could keep going, but I don’t want to. I really WANT to mess up.
I’m only human. And I’m in recovery. So not doing perfectly is normal and part of recovery.
My recovery is by far not perfect. And at the moment I’m going through a really ugly part of it.
I’m grieving my old body so much, I’m missing the time I spent in my ed, the feeling of security and control it gave me.
It feels like there’s no part left of me that really wants to recover, that wants to choose life.
So here I am, telling you that I wanna mess up.
But that I’ll try to keep going more than anything.
I wanna relapse, but that’s not how it works. That’s not how life works.
I’ll keep choosing life, even if it feels like no part of me wants to.
